| Calming me to the point of writing and the drain |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|11:36 am] |
What has the world come to that in order for my life (and bad karma) to come full circle i have to relive the darkest parts of my past? And what a fucked up place. I never want Anna to go there.
Why am I writing? Wow I seem to be full of questions this evening...And certainly no answers. It's not the bowl I smoked, although I'm sure that played a part calming me to the point of writing. It's the emotional drain. I'm finally able to put my foot on exactly what emotional drain feels like.
the drain
Your blood feels drained of oxygen
dehydrated
Your muscles are tight
but tired
your appetite
gone completely
and your homework
going nowhere
thoughts form and reform faster than
flashes of lightening
what is this frantic thought
that you have caused me
that is now going
down the drain |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|12:49 pm] |
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who the fuck knows. i just want to know whats going on...then i can deal with whatever from there. just fucking let me know whats going on |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|10:57 pm] |
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ahhh school. what would i do without you...things seem to come and go so quickly these days. maybe thats why i find so much comfort in knowing that school will last for at least another year and a half. i'm gonna date cu denver for my security fix because boys just aren't cutting it. unreliable. immature. confused. boys man... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2009|06:46 pm] |
Is it because I didn't go help Grandma move?
Because I smoke? (By the way mom, you smoked too. PS. So does Anna. I just took all the blame so you wouldn't know she did too and look what I get for that)
Do you just see too much of yourself in me and that's why you hate me? Because you hate yourself so much?
Is it because my job isn't good enough? My grades? (Anna doesn't have a job and my grades are better, that can't be it)
Are you just mad that I don't want to live at home next semester and Anna does? (Of course I don't want to live with you, look how you make me feel)
Seriously Mom, what the FUCK did I do wrong?
And are you seriously going to mock me when I start to cry? Are you going to call me a drama queen because I'm upset that you and dad are getting Anna ANOTHER car when you said you were getting me one?
Fuck you. I'm your goddamn first born. At least give me some respect. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|06:58 pm] |
what to write what to write
Weighing The Dog by Billy Collins
It is awkward for me and bewildering for him
as I hold him in my arms in the small bathroom,
balancing our weight on the shaky blue scale,
but this is the way to weigh a dog and easier
than training him to sit obediently on one spot
with his tongue out, waiting for the cookie.
With pencil and paper I subtract my weight
from our total to find out the remainder that is his,
and I start to wonder if there is an analogy here.
It could not have to do with my leaving you
though I never figured out what you amounted to
until I subtracted myself from our combination.
You held me in your arms more than I held you
through all those awkward and bewildering months
and now we are both lost in strange and distant
neighborhoods.
That's my favorite poet. |
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| Same head, different wall |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|09:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | heartless | ] |
I don't even know what to say. Why don't I even feel bad? |
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| Fuck |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|02:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
Fuck fuck fuck. |
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| Scratch that |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|07:10 pm] |
Okay. Vancouver was maybe a bit unrealistic, but still, I have no problem dreaming big.
A word to the wise: Don't go read your entries from high school. Holy shit was I a mess back then. Wow...
How many nights of being alone does it take before you can enjoy your own company rather than dread it? According to the Buddhists, as many nights as it takes for you to welcome all your pain, suffering, guilt, and regret into your heart with love and understanding. Only then can you be at peace with yourself. It makes perfect sense. This is exactly why Buddhism works for me. To feel true happiness, you must allow yourself to feel just the opposite. It's so logical.
I really wish I hadn't missed meditation on Sunday, but that's the beauty of meditation. You can do it in your room. Still, the solitude of a Buddhist temple would have been nice.
I'm kinda all over the place today. There is so much on my mind, not that that's any different than every other day. Why does everything have to be so fast paced all the time? I'm really good at it, good at double tasking and what not, but it starts to drive anybody crazy after awhile.
Speaking of crazy, I wish this temporal lobe shit would clear itself up already. The side affects of it are starting to get to me and I feel stuck between symptom and attachment. I've been having bad thoughts like I used to and though I've gotten better at controlling them, I'd rather they just weren't there. And that's all on me. No pressure Jessie, but the outcome of your life and your happiness and your physical well being are all relying on the power of your mind right now, the very thing that's causing the problems in the first place. What a Catch 22. Doesn't get much more complicated than that. To put it into Buddhist thought and simplify as best I can; I have to put whatever strength and energy I have left into believing, no, not believing, KNOWING, that I can beat this. I have to pick up my damaged brain and all it's negative thoughts and place it directly in my heart. That's where it can heal. That's where I will heal. Because that is where The Divine self dwells. And no amount of heartbreak could ever change that.
This was all somewhat of a vision (or whatever it was) that I had last night. It was a total out of body experience (or perhaps an episode of CPS? But hey, some, even Van Gough himself, speculate that CPS IS in fact a form of divine vision), like I was looking at myself worrying about it and then I knew what I had to do. I have to believe beyond the shadow of a doubt, with everything in me, that this will go away and I WILL be ok. And I do believe it.
In fact, I KNOW it.
I know who you are. I love you. I love
everything about you that hurts...
It's amazing what writing can clear up in your head for you. I bet I lost all of you completely, but I just explained some things to myself. Haha...Okay. Call me crazy. |
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| Panama and unread words |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
Again. What to say? I'm in Panama. I guess that's a good starting point. It's beautiful, of course. I know I don't want to live in the US anymore. I am planning on spending the summer in Vancouver to get away again. Hopefully that will motivate me to finish my degree in Denver. Then, peace out. An expatriate here told me if there is something I really want with all my heart, nothing can stop me. And not to let other people's experiences dictate mine. Sounds like unrealistic optimism at first, but at this point in my life, why not be optimistic to the point of foolishness if it provides a chance at happiness? Chronic depression runs in my blood and I can feel it every night before I sleep, but I know already that I will not let it live here forever. Instead, I'm going to kill it with kindness (and all my favorite foods) and move to Vancouver for awhile.
What happens to words
that go unread by the way?
I've always wondered that
And now I'm thinking
as I sit in
foreign tranquility
that they merely
trickle
down
the
page
leaving nothing
but a sense
of relief
in the writer
that they are
finally
gone,
and then end up in
a beautiful puddle of serenity
at the bottom of the page |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|10:45 am] |
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"When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt..." |
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| Abdicating the romantic throne |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|01:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  high | ] |
I know I don't update this often enough. Usually because I don't know what to say...No amount of eloquence could ever sum up my life, and at this point, I find it hard enough to acknowledge how I'm feeling, let alone put it into a comprehensive variation of words and punctuation. See- already a run-on sentence. So hopefully this is a more efficient solution. Let's try some poetry and prose.
I don't recall
asking for honesty.
Quite frankly,
I would rather not hear it.
Of course I already know it,
but your words are too real
for a relinquished romantic
like myself...
So please,
for my sake,
keep the truth to yourself
and let me hope you will change your mind
--------------------------------
I can hear your phone
from across the classroom-
erupting with the promiscuity of many
besides myself
No-
not even an instigation,
an insatiable word calling for your attention...
Today, I will not play
I will not speak
because no words could rectify the situation
and no phone could properly interpret
what has happened to us
-------------------------------
On a particular night in the future, I write in advance:
...it was beautiful because it was honest and it was beautiful because it hurt and it was beautiful because you didn't have to tell it to me.
Let me just say this. Things are changing with every day, and for the better. I haven't felt that way in so long. And I haven't felt this content in even longer. |
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| Long time no write |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|05:05 pm] |
Wow. I really need to get back into the habit of writing. It's so good for your mind...It just clears and sorts all your thoughts. I think I'm gonna start with what I'm best at- Lists.
1. Ex best friend? Fucking weird, but for the best. Some people just aren't meant to be in your life at certain points. Who knows, maybe in the future we will be friends again, but for now it's too much to deal with all her problems. I have enough of my own and I am really not interested in the whole high school drama scene anymore.
2. Oh Brad. I'll never get over you. I'll always have something to write about you...I've heard there is always that one person you will always be madly in love with, but I never expected it to be like this. I fucked up with you. More than once. I don't deserve you, but you're still all I want. I hate to say it, but I have so many regrets with you. Lessons learned as you would say. You won't talk to me now and I really don't blame you. But I hope you will notice when I next see you that I am a more mature, decent person...Of course you will.
3. Never date a manipulative younger guy. They are just heart breakers. Not to mention douchebags.
4. Ah. I can't believe I live with my mom again...This could go totally wrong. Our relationship was always better when I didn't live at home. But I gotta do what I gotta do, and hey, it's only for a few months.
5. How weird is it to start over back where you started? I'm weeding through friends, seeing who really cares and is a true friend and who was just a drinking buddy, or a bad influence...So I'm back in L Town starting over. Redo!
6. How the fuck am I going to juggle 18 credit hours and 25 hours of work not to mention the commute without going insane? Guess we'll see...
Anyways. I guess that's all I have for now. My most recent piece of advice: You can live in dirt, but you don't have to be dirty. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|12:12 am] |
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I haven't written in so long...I should probably get back in the habit. I'm doing a lot better than I though I would be under these circumstances. I'm just so grateful that I have such good friends! I went out to my first bar last night with the roommate for her 21st cuz I got her old fake. I had a great time. I met people, which made me feel good. I'm doing okay. I can do this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|01:12 pm] |
more than just bodies
breathe my sweet innocence
tainted by your lips
let me revive your heart
then show you what it's like to be left |
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| Desire |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|01:01 pm] |
She loves
the energy of profanity
and the thoughts
of irresponsible angels
She left
in a state of distraction
and a winter coat--
stranded in life,
mouth throbbing with the taste of boys |
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